Thursday, June 30, 2011

Going, Going, And Gone?: No, The Oxford Comma Is Safe ... For Now

From NPR's Monkey See Blog:



I have a confession.



I am only too happy to emphatically defend split infinitives against the accusation that they are offensive in any language except Latin. I believe perfectly marvelous sentences can end with prepositions or begin with "and."



I make up words, I write in fragments, I am absolutely not a flawless user of any kind of punctuation, I make noises in the middle of my own writing (like "AAAAARGH!"), and I often like the rhythms of sentences more than their technicalities. Run-on sentences amuse me. I frequently give the impression that the American Parentheticals Council has me on retainer, or that I am encouraging a bidding war between Big Ellipses and Big Dashes to see which will become my official sponsor. ("Dashes: The Official 'And Another Thing' Punctuator Of Monkey See.") I write "email" without a hyphen, I am a big fan of the word "crazypants," and my plan is to master "who"/"whom" only on my deathbed, as my ironic dying gift to absolutely no one, since there will be no one left to hear me.



And yet, even the rumbling of a distant threat to the Oxford comma (or "serial comma") turns me instantly into an NFL referee, blowing my whistle and improvising some sort of signal — perhaps my hands clasped to my own head as if in pain — to indicate that the loss of the serial comma would sadden me beyond words.



This blew up yesterday when there was a rumbling that the University of Oxford was dumping its own comma. As it turned out, this wasn't the case. They haven't changed their authoritative style guide, but they've changed their internal PR department procedures that they use for press releases. The PR department and the editorial department are two different things, so this doesn't necessarily mean much of anything, except that it's maybe a little embarrassing to have your own PR department abandoning your style guide.



For those of you who enjoy the outdoors and would no more sort commas into classes than you would organize peanut butter jars in order of viscosity, the serial comma — or "Oxford comma" — is the final comma that comes in a sentence like this: "I met a realtor, a DJ, a surfer, and a pharmaceutical salesperson." (In this sentence, I am on The Bachelorette.) I don't typically use the serial comma here on the blog, because NPR uses AP style, which is standard for most news organizations. AP style leaves out the serial comma unless it's particularly necessary. It would dictate writing that sentence as: "I met a realtor, a DJ, a surfer and a pharmaceutical salesperson." That's what I do at work. At home, though? In correspondence, in notes to myself, in writing on cakes with icing? Serial commas. Forever.



Whether the serial comma is used is usually not a big deal — you see lists every day both with it and without it, and it won't hang you up either way. "Please buy bread, cheese, butter and milk." "Please buy bread, cheese, butter, and milk." Either is fine.



But when it matters, it really matters.




Suppose that instead of the list of men our bachelorette met above, things went differently. Without the serial comma, she might say: "The best available men are the two tall guys, George and Pete." There, you really don't know whether George and Pete are the tall guys, or whether there are two tall guys in addition to George and Pete. You literally don't know how many men you're talking about, and while that level of confusion as to elementary facts seems like something that might actually happen on The Bachelorette, it is unfortunate in other settings. If, on the other hand, you use the serial comma, then you would write that sentence only if you meant that George and Pete were the tall guys, and if you didn't, you'd say, "I met two tall guys, George, and Pete."



Two men have just been created by that comma out of whole cloth. Boom! We've created life! Don't you feel like Dr. Frankenstein?



It's perhaps not surprising that a comma that can singlehandedly create human beings can also get people pretty wound up. Twitter went bazoo over the entire Oxford business yesterday, particularly before the clarification was made that it was just the PR department. People — people like me — love the serial comma. They rely on it. They feel like society's abandonment of it is a sign that all has gone haywire. They feel about it the way other people feel about newspapers, green spaces, or virtue.



The balancing act between how much rule-making you like in language and how much you like language to evolve naturally isn't necessarily the point of the serial comma debate (to me, the reasons to keep it have absolutely nothing to do with tradition and everything to do with actual utility), but that's where almost any discussion of almost any arcane point invariably winds up. Language is alive, you see, and it changes, and its beauty lies in its ability to be shaped by an entire society that calls upon its collective wisdom and experience to create a means of communication that accomplishes what it needs to AND NO THAT DOESN'T MAKE "IRREGARDLESS" OKAY AND STOP USING "LITERALLY" TO MEAN "FIGURATIVELY" I AM BEGGING YOU.



Uh-oh.



I firmly believe all of that good stuff about our living language, and yet I accidentally hit my own nerve. Love of language, it turns out, is a complicated minefield of things you care about and things you don't, and one person's explosive issues are obviously no more valid than anyone else's. Some people hate Capitalization For Cutesy Point-Making in exactly the same way I hate "irregardless," but I use it happily. Not as much as I once did, but I do. (Don't email me about "irregardless" or "literally," by the way. I glare at your spineless, weak-kneed dictionary with a judgmental, squinty eye. I do! I glare at it!)



For now, the Oxford comma lives on at Oxford. And it lives on in my heart. Life is nasty, brutish, and short (or, to introduce unnecessary ambiguity, "life is nasty, brutish and short"), and the least I can do for myself is to hold tight to the linguistic niceties about which I, for whatever reason, care. It's comforting. It's calming. And when it comes to taking a firm position about mostly unimportant debates, that's about all I can hope for.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Tuesday Trivia

  1. Which author’s secret followers wear a green carnation to identify themselves?
  2. Which English author always touched things three times for luck?
  3. What was Jane Austen's book Northanger Abbey originally titled?
  4. Which English diarist loved to play the recorder?
  5. What do Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Moby Dick, The Good Earth, Catch 22, and Lord of the Flies have in common?



Last Week's Answers



In North Carolina, USA, in 1980 a library forbade children to read which book without parental consent?


The bible




Which English pamphleteer had his ears cut off because of his inflammatory publications?



William Prynne





What did Russian author Dostoyevsky and F. Scott Fitzgerald have in common?



They were both foot fetishists.




How many titles did Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone With The Wind, write in her lifetime?



Just the one.




In England in 1272 AD what was the cost of a handwritten Holy Bible in nine volumes?



About £33.00.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Don’t Miss It!

I always think about Daisy Buchanan this time of year. You know how she makes that vapid observation the first evening Nick comes over to her house for dinner in Chapter 1:

“Do you always watch for the longest day of the year and then miss it? I always watch for the longest day in the year and then miss it.”


Well, tomorrow is the longest day of the year (at least in the Northern Hemisphere).


Don’t miss it!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I am an English Teacher; You do the Math

by Douglas Grudzina

All right, I confess that that is not a Douglas Grudzina Original Quip, but it is by and large a Prestwick House Original, so as long as I’m writing for Prestwick House, I think I can legally use it.

I’ve been reviewing statistics—test data—Delaware student test data …

… DELAWARE STUDENT FOURTH GRADE MATHEMATICS TEST DATA …

(Don’t ask me why.)

But in reviewing this data, I got to thinking about how mathematics kind of _is_ a language (my future son-in-law is a high school mathematics and physics teacher, so he’d be happy to hear me admit that), and perhaps mathematics teachers experience some of the same frustrations—often for some of the same reasons—as other language teachers. And maybe the solution is the same as well.

Here’s the backstory, the exposition, whatever you want to call it:

While reviewing this data, I encountered a young woman (fourth grade). She was tested once in the fall of 2010 and once in the winter of 2011. She was probably also tested in the spring of 2011, but I don’t have that data. Her scores in three categories were reported: _Numeric Reasoning_, _Algebraic Reasoning_, and _Geometric Reasoning_.

Now, keep in mind that this is fourth grade, and when I was in fourth grade, I was memorizing multiplication tables and trying to transition from long to short division. (Maybe that was fifth grade, and I never did successfully make the transition.)

I have no idea what “Algebraic Reasoning” or “Geometric Reasoning” might look like in the fourth grade.

But that’s not the point.

This young woman scored “Well Below” the performance standard in the fall (with an overall score of 642) and “Below” the performance standard in the winter (with an overall score of 696). 700 is the cut score for “Meets the Standard,” so she is almost there.

In both tests, her Numeric Reasoning score was the highest; Algebraic Reasoning was the lowest. Geometric Reasoning was very close to the Numeric Reasoning and showed the biggest gain from the fall to winter tests.

Now here’s the point…(and thank you for your kind indulgence).

Geometry is a readily-applied math. It’s gallons of paint, square feet of floor tile, yards of fabric. Algebra…not so much. Algebra is merely a set of _tools_ by which we calculate gallons of paint, square feet of floor tile, yards of fabric.

Yet, I think, math teachers teach algebra in much the same way they teach geometry. Here are some “rules.” Here are some equations. Here’s what parentheses mean in an equation, and here’s what you do if you encounter parentheses in an equation.

M-D-A-S.

You give me any equation, tell me to solve for X, and I’m on it!

But…so what? When I order floor tile or paint, unless I’ve had someone else come in a measure for me, I invariably order too much (excess not refundable) or too little (sorry, that was the end of the lot run, so your next order will not match).

But I _can_ solve for X.

OKAY, now here’s (_really_) my point … (And _really_, thank you for your extreme patience.)

The English language has all sorts of tools—like algebraic equations—all of which _help us_ formulate thoughts, communicate those thoughts to others, and understand the thoughts that others have communicated to us. I’m thinking things like verb tenses, pronoun-antecedent agreement, subordinate clauses.

These tools, however, are pretty pointless on their own.

Imagine practicing “hammer.” Next week we’ll get to “nails.”

Solve for X.

But why do I care about X unless I need to know how many cubic yards of non-refundable decorative gravel I need to order for my driveway?

If we give a kid a list of 20 sentences, some with the subordinate clause at the beginning and some with the subordinate clause at the end, and we tell him to draw in the commas where they are needed, what have we taught him? Will he now never again write an unintentional sentence fragment? Will he never again subordinate the wrong bit of information and create an illogical sentence?

_Because he kindly stopped for me, I could not stop for death._

I learned a little bit of sentence diagramming in the fourth grade (when we weren’t trying to transition to short division). To this day, some 45 years later, I still hear the occasional lament that “they” stopped teaching sentence diagramming.

But what I remember about diagramming sentences was being tested on whether or not the line was straight or diagonal, whether it went all the way through the horizontal line or not, whether it was solid or dashed. On these tests, we would lose points if we did not put a word in parentheses that was supposed to be in parentheses.

We were tested on our knowledge of sentence-diagramming techniques.

But I do not remember _ever_ having a teacher (or professor or editor) sit down with me and diagram one of my own sentences to diagnose structural problems. That _is_ the proper use of the tool, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think that that poor little fourth-grade girl, who is _so close_ to meeting her fourth-grade standard in mathematics might do so much better in “algebraic reasoning” if someone would help her to realize that “algebra” is nothing more than realizing what piece of information she doesn’t have and finding a way to figure it out.

You know length and width; solve for area.

You know area and desired depth of stones in your driveway; solve for volume or number of cubic yards you need to order.

And I am even more certain that our most reluctant writers and readers might do so much better in the “grammar and mechanics” aspects of their language use if those aspects were made the _means to the end_ and not the ends in itself.

Solve for X.

Diagram the following sentences.

Decline the following irregular verbs.

Is it any wonder so many of our kids zone out before they ever get to the payoff of actual communication?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups


The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups comes from CrankyLanguageLady.com. To find out more about the Cranky Language Lady, view sample pages from her new book, peruse her blog, or visit the website.


Grammar Quiz #30: Spellcheck Isn't Perfect


Spell check improves all the time, but it’s not perfect. It may highlight words that really are words but that are used incorrectly—or it may not. For example, it won’t pick up all the errors in the following passage. Can you?


“Ewe our the apple of my I,” said Clarence. “Its plane to sea that I am looking at the most beautiful woman on the planet, and I love you.” He continued to stair at her over there read whine.
“Okay,” said Doreen with out mush enthusiasm. She wanted to reed the menu and decide between stake and lobster. “I think thistle bee good,” she said, pointing too the lobster.

Clarence got down on won knee and held out a wring. “Wheel ewe merry me?” he asked.
“Know, I don’t think sew,” Doreen replied. “I’m knot interested, butt aisle let ewe by me diner.”


View answer.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tuesday Trivia

  1. In North Carolina, USA, in 1980 a library forbade children to read which book without parental consent?
  2. Which English pamphleteer had his ears cut off because of his inflammatory publications?
  3. What did Russian author Dostoyevsky and F. Scott Fitzgerald have in common?
  4. How many titles did Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone With The Wind, write in her lifetime?
  5. In England in 1272 AD what was the cost of a handwritten Holy Bible in nine volumes?


Last Week's Answers


Which author always slept facing the North because he thought that it would improve his writing?


Charles Dickens




Which country publishes more books than any other country in the world?



Iceland




Which world-renowned daily newspaper published an apology to a professor 49 years after printing that his theories about traveling into space, which they had scoffed at, were proved to be correct?



The New York Times




How many pseudonyms did Russian writer Konstantin Mikhailov have?



325




Which author once ate an apple under the Arch de Triomphe to try to overcome his insomnia?



Alexander Dumas



Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups


The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups comes from CrankyLanguageLady.com. To find out more about the Cranky Language Lady, view sample pages from her new book, peruse her blog, or visit the website.


Grammar Quiz #29: Common Errors


When others discount or dismiss your writing, it’s often because you have misused some common words. Many people view the correct use of these words as a sign that you know what you’re doing. Unfortunately, anyone can slip up, even an excellent writer, so it pays to be careful. Can you find the eight errors in the passage below?



Its a happy day for teachers when a school opens its doors and lets the kids out for the summer. Its a happy day for the kids, too. They kick up there heels and rejoice that there going to have a couple of months of freedom. Its not such a happy day for there parents, however. They brace theirselves for a lot of “There is nothing to do!” comments, along with questions like, “Can you take me to the mall?” and, “Can you take me to Ashley’s house?” There is no summertime peace for parents, only for teachers—unless, of course, the teachers have there own kids.


View correction.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Tuesday Trivia

  1. Which author always slept facing the North because he thought that it would improve his writing?
  2. Which country publishes more books than any other country in the world?
  3. Which world-renowned daily newspaper published an apology to a professor 49 years after printing that his theories about travelling into space, which they had scoffed at, were proved to be correct?
  4. How many pseudonyms did Russian writer Konstantin Mikhailov have?
  5. Which author once ate an apple under the Arch de Triomphe to try to overcome his insomnia?





Last Week's Answers





Which author played cricket for the MCC and once bowled the legendary W.C. Grace?



Sir Arthur Conan Doyle




Which French writer had a pet swordfish?



Marcel Proust




How many fireflies does it take to give off enough like to read a book by?



Six firefly insects provide enough light to read a book.




Which English author would work himself up so much when he performed his own works on stage that he sometimes fainted?



Charles Dickens





How old was Sir Winston Churchill when he wrote his book "The History of the English Speaking Peoples"?



82 years old




Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups


The Cranky Language Lady: Wednesday Grammar Quiz for Grownups comes from CrankyLanguageLady.com. To find out more about the Cranky Language Lady, view sample pages from her new book, peruse her blog, or visit the website.


Grammar Quiz #28: Agreement


Can you find the five errors in agreement in the following selection?


Each of the twenty-seven cows standing in the middle of the country road were calmly looking around, not at all perturbed by Blake’s Mercedes and all the honking and yelling going on. “This bunch of cows that won’t get out of the road are stupid!” he shouted.


“It’s called a herd,” his girlfriend Alicia commented mildly, “a herd of cattle not a bunch of cows.”
Blake shot her a dirty look. “Okay, each of the cows in the herd of cattle standing there blocking the road should get their act together and move out of our way!"


"Perhaps if you asked them nicely,” Alicia answered. “Neither a person nor a cow like to be yelled at.” With that, she got out of the car and patted a black and white heifer on the rump. “Move along, sweetie,” she said, “and ask your friends to scoot to the side, please.”


To Blake’s astonishment, the road suddenly cleared. “I guess I should call you the Cow Whisperer,” he said, in awe.


“Every woman in the universe has their own special talents,” she smiled.



View answer.